Forgiveness

Completely unexpectedly, an old colleague called a few days ago. But wasn't just any call. Though it had been years since we talked, this call was different. You see: our relationship had undergone a few bumpy roads we had not fully recovered from, and my old friend phoned to recall one such particular day that stood out in both of our memories. It was a terrible, heart-wrenching, trust-shattering, confidence-breaking day for me. Yet as events of this day were recalled, I told him, "it is a day I recall clearly, but have not clung to." I'm not sure how true that is, but I've done my best to live into it.

But he didn't stop with that explanation, because the call was surely not to relive it. Rather, he called to offer a deep, heart-felt, God-sent, life-giving, burden-lifting apology.

Sometimes, the things we do, the actions we take, the words we speak: they seep deep inside us. We allow things so unlike ourselves to come out from us, overtaking us, changing us and our relationships, even defining us. Often, when we recall these moments, days, and memories over and over again in our minds, perhaps with regret, we do nothing about it.

Two days after this phone call took place, I received an email from someone in our MFSA network on the same topic of forgiveness. After sharing it with her church, she felt compelled to share her amazing story of forgiveness with others, and invited me to share it widely within our network and beyond.

On a week like this one with two compelling stories that touched me deeply, its hard not to take time for deep reflection on what forgiveness and grace really mean in our lives. In my life. I haven't been able to stop thinking about what that kind of forgiveness means in my life, and how I will carry with me the phone call I received a couple of days ago.

On the phone call, my friend decided to do something about this moment that has weighed so heavily on him over the past few years. This was a moment, after all, that significantly changed our relationship.

So my friend picked up the phone, dialed my number, shared this story, and offered the most genuine apology I could ever have asked for. It was so sincere that I couldn't stop smiling, even amidst the surprise or the recalling of a difficult time. My hand was literally drawn to my mouth in surprise, then over my heart as if in an effort to keep in the many emotions it brought up. But no matter the emotions, I couldn't stop smiling. I could hardly even wait for the gracious words on the other end of the line to conclude before I offered the most heartfelt forgiveness I have ever been blessed to offer.

I could not stop smiling at the peace I suddenly felt about the situation, about the heartache it had caused me.

I couldn't stop smiling because I knew a friendship had been healed and transformed over 4 seemingly simple words:"I am so sorry."

Most importantly: I couldn't stop smiling because I knew how much healing this short conversation offered.

I know how healing it was for me: the years of painful memories that honestly seem to have washed away with healing through forgiveness and gratitude of sincerity. Even as I write this, I am amazed to discover for myself that this kind of apology, paired well with acknowledgement of pain and undue suffering, can bring such wholeness and restoration.

Yet my biggest smile of all was for none of these reasons. It was for my friend on the other end of the line. I can only hope this forgiveness I have experienced and granted today was felt on the other end of that line. I smile wide for my friend, sharing in joy, hoping that they too can have a burden lifted and replaced with God's everlasting and abundant grace.

Thank you, friend, for making that difficult call after all of these years. Thank you, Bunnie, for sharing your story in your gracious email. To both of you: You may never know what it has meant to me or taught me to be a part of your stories in this way: I can only hope and pray it has had the same effect on you.

Reminiscing

(...I just found this in my drafts folder, dated  12/12/11 and thought I may as well post it, whether I intended to at the time or not. So old or not: enjoy!)

I have a friend who keeps posting one-word status updates and it reminds me of a colleague I had in South Africa who went through a similar phase.

I can't believe Christmas is nearly here, and in just over a week I'll be in South Dakota to celebrate with my biological family. This makes it difficult for me as I also spend a great deal of time thinking about my family in South Africa, missing them dearly, and wishing I could also be with them.

The weather is getting colder and soon the snow will be flying, and its strange to realize it would feel just as normal to be preparing for a braai or finding ways to avoid the tourists as they flock to the beach in the midst of hot, sun-filled days in the Cape.

I feel out of touch with Advent because I don't have people to light my Advent wreath with at home (Hannah and Rachel).

Last year at Christmas I was preparing for a marathon of worship services I would be leading - and my heart longs to be back in that role.

In 3 days - on December 15 - I will meet the one-year anniversary of the big operation I had last year to have melanoma removed from my right temple.

Oh, how things have changed in that year.

Over the past 2 weeks I have had opportunities to spend time with friends who know me well and with whom I have no need for "walls" or "filters" - and it has been good. And it has invited me to reflect on the many incredible people I have in my life, near and far.

and it has made me think: it has been a long, long time since I felt genuinely "homesick" for a people or place I call my own, and yet that is where I find myself. Oh, how this holiday season makes me long for the people, the places, and the family that are so far away. Perhaps moreso because it is such a season of change, and I wish I could be there helping out...

and as so much is changing, I find myself wishing more than ever I could be with my family on another continent.

Here's to Advent as a season of change and a season of anticipation. As I continue to process the many changes within myself over the past couple of years, I am also excitedly and impatiently awaiting the experience of what this next season shall bring for me.

My prayer for the next couple of weeks is that I not get too far ahead of myself in anticipation but that instead, I find moments to rest into all that is offered to me in the present.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I know its a day late, but when this video showed up on my Facebook News Feed today I casually pressed play as I got up to do something unrelated. I decided it was awesome about a minute in so I sat down to watch the accompanying video and much to my surprise: the guy playing guitar/singing is an old college friend I haven't seen/heard from in years! Well done, Greg Dolmage: its good to see you're still doing and creating pure awesomeness. :)

Happy Thanksgiving!!

November Gratitude Challenge

It started last year, and I loved watching many of my friends spend the month of November updating their facebook status every day with something they were thankful for.

Not just anything, though. We're all thankful for friends and family (or we should be). We all appreciate a good meal. The November Gratitude Challenge is about more than that. Its about remembering to be thankful in moments that catch you off guard. Like... why might you be thankful for screaming children or the train car that was so full I had to wait for the next one even though I'm already running late. Its an opportunity to take time and use energy to be reminded of the gifts and beauty of life that we encounter each day.

So I've taken the challenge. At least half of the time, I remember to post what I'm thankful for on Facebook (I'm also keeping a journal). One example is that as I curse the cooler weather that is rolling in (cold = less cycling = sad!!), I have stopped to appreciate living in a place that has four distinct seasons again. The red and gold of the leaves are absolutely radiant! It literally took my breath away as I rode my bike to work one cool morning... I rolled up to work with the nation's Capitol a few blocks directly in front of me, colorful surrounding me on all sides, paving the way as I rode along. I couldn't help but stop and take a moment to appreciate the simplistic, everyday beauty I encounter and so seldom stop to appreciate.

When its possible (and I'm not on my bike), I'm even trying to take photos of some of these things. Like this photo - again of leaves as their radiating color stood boldly against the bright blue sky as I came up out of a metro stop near my house.

Isn't God's creation amazing?

Consider this an invitation to join me in the challenge. November is a month that we Americans think about being thankful because my favorite (secular) holiday - Thanksgiving - is just around the corner. But lets not let it just be for a day this year. Lets allow it to seep into us for the whole month of November... lets let it shape us and become a part of who we are beyond needing a holiday to be thankful.

Let us be thankful together. I'm thankful already for the way it is shaping my daily life.

A Day to Remember

I've had a lot of memorable days in my life. Yesterday was definitely one of those days when even in the midst of it, I kept saying, "I can't believe this is happening! What a great day!"

Why was it a great day?

First, its a great weekend: my friend Lyzz (from the '09 Ride:Well Tour) is here to visit! She arrived on Thursday morning and didn't leave until tonight (Monday). That being said: yesterday was an especially stellar day.

The morning started by meeting my friend Anna for a coffee (straight espresso for me!). Then we were off to the occasion of the morning: The White House garden party. Evidently, the White House opens up its garden twice a year (fall and spring) to "special guests." By invitation only, the "general public" are invited into the White House grounds to see the gardens. My friend Anna is a senior staff person for a Senator, and through work she obtained tickets to this party and kindly invited me along - also saving a ticket for my weekend visitor. :)


Entering the White House grounds was surreal. As crowds gathered on the sidewalk two fences and a street away from the beginning of the grounds, we passed through security guards by simply showing them a slip of paper and letting them look in our bags. The next thing we knew, we were looking at trees on the grounds planted by presidents past. As we stood next to the East Wing admiring Jacqueline Kennedy Garden we saw a big fluffly black dog appear: sure enough! It was Beau - the first dog!

We took photos posed feet from the main door. We admired the Rose Garden as we wondered if Obama was sitting in his Oval Office only feet away from us. We decided such a question was answered when security suddenly seemed to double and one of Obama's senior staff persons walked past. :)

The grounds were beautiful and I am greatly appreciative of such an opportunity for a tour. The gardens, the flowers, the trees, the vegetable garden, the naval band playing, the incredibly friendly staff and volunteers - all of it - was great. A huge thank you to is in order to all the volunteers who put the event on: and of course to Anna for thinking of me as a worthy guest!

Leaving we kind of thought to ourselves: now what? How does one spend a day when we've already been on the White House grounds?

Back to Plan A, we decided. Originally, Lyzz came this weekend so we could go to the official dedication of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior Memorial. The first memorial in DC to an individual who was not a president (and not white), this is an event that has been much anticipated since its original opening in August - when this event was canceled due to Hurricane Irene. We were late, but hoped it would be ongoing and decided to take our chances as we began the 2 mile walk to the memorial.

Fortunately, we arrived to discover it had not ended. As we drew near, Lyzz wondered aloud, "is that James Taylor? He can't possibly be playing live, could he?" She excitedly ran ahead and I caught up to her in time to discover: Yes! James Taylor.

Seriously: James Taylor? Does it get better than this? As we soaked in another song he announced it would be his last and we sighed as we realized we missed most of the set. Surely the event was over: it was nearly 2pm.

Oh, were we mistaken. On and on we went: we also saw short performances by Stevie Wonder, Sheryl Crow and others. It ended in an encore of countless artists singing "Love Train" together. Only one word can describe this experience of singing, dancing, and celebrating together in a huge but not congested crowd: AMAZING

After a stroll through my favorite memorial (Theodore Roosevelt!) and then to see the new MLK Memorial, we eventually walked our way back through part of the national mall. We landed in a pub for dinner before finally making our way home where we had ice cream for dinner as we crashed lazily on the couch watching a movie.

Pretty close to a perfect day, if I might say so myself. Or at the very least, a memorable one!

A Good Week for Change

Its been a good week for me.

Let me rephrase that: its been a much-needed great week for me!

Why, you ask? Oh, nothing out of the ordinary. Just a combination of small things. Things that are meaningful to me. Things that bring me joy.

Things like feeling more settled in this city I am foreign to. Things like connecting with new friends, and experiencing the joy of new relationships beginning. Things like hearing the stories of strangers (becoming friends) and how their "normal" lives are full of love, faith, passion and joy.

Things that, this week, have added up to help me shift from "doing ok" in this "foreign city of Washington DC" into a place of "settling in" in this place I am coming to call "home."

Why the sudden shift, you ask? I'm so glad you did.

Because on Wednesday, my bike arrived. I stayed home from work and waited for it on Tuesday and Wednesday. Then Wednesday after work the first friend I met in DC came over to help me build it: and it was a success! I have ridden every day :).

On Saturday I went looking for trails but didn't find any, so after searching and riding in circles for about an hour and a half, I decided a 10 mile ride was sufficient and went home. I was eager to ride more, though, so I signed up for "Bike DC" - the annual ride that benefits the Washington Bike Association and helps do things like put more trails and bike lanes in. I even got up early for it - I had to be there to register by 6:45am.

Sassy Sisters cycling group at Bike DC

I found a Meetup group to ride with, and discovered: it was facilitated by my upstairs neighbor! YEA! for having a neighbor who rides! I ended up riding with two other women, both of whom were semi-new to cycling so together we just took our time and rode purely for the enjoyment of riding. It was a bit strange (and awesome!) that I hadn't really been on a bike in nearly 2 years, and yet I was somehow the experienced rider that was able to answer their questions. We had a great time!!! Over main roads and even the interstate which were closed down for us, we stopped for water or photos or to say hi to friends along the way... it was a leisurely but great ride.

I intend to ride my bike to work tomorrow. I look forward to ways my bike shall continue to be an integral part of my life DC, and I am thrilled at the "new life" (positive energy!) I am getting at having it back in my life.

I always knew I missed my bike... but only this weekend did I realize how much. I am just grateful that as I discover this, I am also discovering a community that is just as excited to ride with and support me.

Its good to be back in the saddle.

Transitioning

Well... The time has come. I've been anticipating it with great hesitation for a while now, but I suppose there is nothing I could do to really be prepared for it. In the moments I think I'm ready, in the moments I think I know what to expect, its those moments that are followed by the crash of reality that I could never really be either of these things.

So here I sit. Waiting with sadness and grief of what I leave behind. Focusing on the joy (and positive growth from the sorrows) of all that has passed and become a part of me over the past 18 months. And reveling in excitement and anticipation for all that lies ahead.

Because today, my heart is full of grief as I have bid many people I love farewell.

I am nervous as I consider the questions associated with the ways I have changed from the inside out. Change I may not recognise for years to come, but which begs questions such as: how will 'home' feel different as a new person enters for the first time?

And despite all of this, I am confused and grateful for excitement as I prepare to board a plane to Ireland, where a new country and an old friend await me for a week of adventure. I am thrilled that I shall soon be reunited with family and friends I have not seen in a year and a half, not the least of whom include new additions such as my nephew Quintin.

So a cloud of emotion surrounds me today, and only one word seems to describe how they are linked:

Grateful.

To the Point

I promised photos of "people and places and sites and views that I am soaking up" in my last few weeks here. One my South African "bucket list" was to go to Cape Agulhas - the southern tip of Africa, and where the two oceans officially "meet." Here I am. 

While I'm certainly going to miss the amazing scenery I'm surrounded by, having friends to run away on weekend road trips with no real itinerary is pretty great, too.

Congratulations

I’m at that place in life where lots of my friends are either getting married, or are already married and having children. A very exciting time.

Today, my dear friend Emily has exchanged vows with the love of her life, Michael.

I wish with all of my heart I could be there to help them celebrate. To see in person the smile that I know only Michael can bring to Emily’s face. To share in the joy they will exude today as they make official their pledge to share their lives with one another: with the one person who makes the other happier than any of us have ever seen them.

I could not be happier for you, Michael and Emily. And today, I say, with all of my heart and from across an ocean: Congratulations Michael and Emily! I love you!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite (secular) holiday. It is a holiday that traditionally comes from a historical celebration of the first harvest after settlers arrived in the “Promised Land” that is now the United States. On this day, we celebrate the first harvest by gathering around a table filled with lots of seasonal foods such as pumpkin, squash, sweet potatoes and, of course, turkey.

It has become my favorite holiday because there are so few expectations on it. No gifts to give, no huge preparations to make. Just family, friends and food. It doesn’t get any better than that!

I have made it my tradition that, in the season of being “thankful” on “Thanksgiving,” I make sure to record at least one thing I am thankful for every day in the month of November (Thanksgiving is always the last Thursday in November). Also, as we gather with friends to share in a harvest-themed feast, we go around and each share at least one thing we are thankful for. Sometimes it feels a little cheesy or cliche, but really, truly, we all have much to be thankful for, and spent too little time expressing that gratitude.

So this year, as I am far, far away from home and many other Americans, I have done my bit not to let this holiday just pass me by. I was overwhelmed with messages wishing me well on Thanksgiving, and greatly appreciated the thoughts and efforts of especially my friends here in South Africa.

I spent Thanksgiving day with my “family” here in South Africa, and while we didn’t share in a traditionally Thanksgiving meal, somehow, I suppose with a bit of subconscious effort, we did share in an “American” meal: I made (ostrich) burgers, salad, corn on the cob for dinner… and even apple pie for dessert. Certainly a first for a Thanksgiving day meal, but delightfully delicious all the same.

Then came the next day: Black Friday. While Americans all over were out shopping and kicking off the Christmas season, I was preparing for a day-late Thanksgiving feast with friends. Kyle (a fellow American working for the Methodist Church of Southern Africa) and I had planned for it and together joined forces to prepare a feast! We had it all: turkeys (3!), stuffing, sweet potato casserole, mashed potatoes, gravy, green bean casserole, jello salad, sweet corn… and of course pumpkin and apple pies.

At first we thought we’d have too much food, but it turned out we had underestimated the ability of our friends to eat! It was a great feast, a wonderful celebration, and remains my favorite holiday no matter where in the world I am. And today, two days after the official “Thanksgiving” day, I am overwhelmed with the number of things and people in my life I have to be thankful for.

Social Networks

Networks.

Recently I asked the Facebook world how they feel about Linked In. I get an invite about once a week, and wondered if it would be a good use of my time to create a profile. Do people use it? Is it helpful? Or would it be “just one more online source I won’t check or use anyway” (aka a procrastination tool for desperate times). The conclusion reached via facebook, in the words of one friend, is that it isn’t actually helpful for “pastor-types.” So I’ll skip it and stick to my blog and facebook, thank you.

It did get me thinking about the role of Facebook, though. What began as a “social network” for college students only, we know has now greatly changed, both in its use and in its function. I’ve become increasingly less picky as to who I add as “friends” these days, especially now that I’m living overseas. For obvious reasons, I am now unable to communicate as often with my family and friends in the US as I used to, and if used well, the online world can almost always offer an update of sorts on my life (either through pictures and status updates on Facebook, or here on my blog).

One thing about Facebook I have always said is that I don’t want to feel like I have to screen it or worry about what my friends might post. So “when I am appointed at a church,” I would say, “I’ll open a separate professional profile.” But now that seems like it would be a bit pointless, because the reality is, I won’t want to upkeep two profiles.

The other side of that is: I don’t feel I can just not “add friends,” either. So I have “friends” I have never met. Some are friends of friends, some are professional contacts. Some are church people who have supported me but I have never met face to face. Some are even people I indirectly work for (try saying no to that!) but have not yet met in a face-to-face encounter.

And all of the sudden, this Facebook thing that I always called a “social network” has become more than just “social.” I mean, I’m the girl that refused to add my mother as a Facebook “friend” because I insist that if she wants to know what’s going on in my life, she should pick up the phone and call me! But now I’m a world away and am increasingly less picky with who my “Friends” are - and I wonder: is there any point to such a filter?

So I’m curious, and looking for feedback. What do you think? Separate profiles? Give up on having a separation between a “personal” and “professional” page? Just say no? I wouldn’t want to hide my current page, I do want actual friends to be able to find and connect with me. But I also really like having a line between my personal and professional life, as well as a means of separation (such as when I leave a church someday and need to break ties as I start fresh at a new church). Is that break possible if I also have a life that is often communicated through the interwebs?

oh, the internet… and to think I haven’t even had a computer for ten years. and now I can’t imagine life without it...

There's No Place Like Home...

For me, the most difficult part of living in another country is being away from people. To be honest, most of the time I don’t really miss my friends and family, but perhaps that is because modern technology allows me to stay in touch with them almost as well as if I only lived across the country.

Almost.

The reality is, I don’t. This makes for a few tough scenarios. One is obvious: while I am still technically just a plane ride away (as I was in Chicago), it is a very long and expensive plane ride, making it difficult for me to realistically fly back and forth. This means I have missed several events in my one year in South Africa that I would not have missed had I been anywhere in the continental United States. For example, I have a nephew who will have his first birthday in a couple of weeks, and I am yet to meet him. That simply would not have happened. I have also missed several weddings and even a family reunion to celebrate the 50th wedding anniversary of my grandparents: an event I may never live down (or forget) missing.

Aside from missing events such as these, there is one other thing I really miss: phone calls. For one thing, it is expensive to call here, so it just doesn’t make sense for anyone to phone me when we can speak for free over skype or I can phone the US for something like 1/10 the cost of someone phoning me from there.

So yes: we have skype. Honestly, it has rescued me from more than one of “those days” when I just really needed someone from “home” to talk to. But when those moments come, or when I remember it is a birthday and want to phone and wish you the best, or when I see something that I would like to send in a picture message (from one phone to the next), the computer and internet and skype are not always convenient. Nor available. Nor functioning with a proper connection. Or if they are, the time of the day is off just enough that while I’d like to phone you on my lunch break, something tells me you wouldn’t appreciate a 6am wake up call.

Today was one of those days for me. All is well in the camp here, but it would sure be nice to pick up a phone sometimes. But I’m sure life will go on and all will be well tomorrow. So thanks for reading my rant, and while you’re at it, I invite you to lift up a little prayer for whoever else in the world may be feeling this way at the time you’re reading this.

Friends.

Here it is nearly midnight and I’m exhausted and somehow WIDE awake. Not that its a surprise, given the excitement of the past week.

This past week I was blessed to have two visitors come and spend a few days with me. My friends Amanda and Hannah, both fellow young adult missionaries with The United Methodist Church, took their leave to come and spend time with me here in the beautiful city of Cape Town. Hannah, my former roommate and co-worker while I was in Joburg/at SHADE, flew down from Joburg to spend 5 days here, while Amanda deserves a medal for flying all the way from New Orleans, Louisiana, USA for only one week’s stay.

The week was filled with tours, site-seeing, wine tasting, coffee drinking, beach-sitting and mountain climbing (well, only a little because my knees are still not well). The weather was very cooperative, as it was clear and beautiful all but one day. Pretty good for this time of year!

We did have a hiccup in our journey, as a puncture on the side of the highway left us with one handbag and very expensive camera being stolen. Certainly one of the most difficult and helpless feelings I’ve experienced in a while as we watched a man run away with all of  Hannah’s belongings. While it is always sad to lose things, the great sentimental value of her belongings that ran away before our eyes were definitely the greatest loss, putting into perspective the things we take advantage of. We could be heard wishing he had taken all of our money and valuables but left behind things like her little red notebook filled with thoughts, memories and priceless writings, while at the same time we were grateful to be safe and were “just glad no one got hurt.”

Despite the struggle and heartache that came with this isolated event, we found ourselves making the very best of the time we had together. We even made light of the unexpected couple of hours spent in the Khayelitsha Police Department, as it provided an opportunity for Amanda to have a small tour of a township and a look into the RSA police. By the way, I must say: I have never, EVER had a better experience with police than we had that day at the Khayelitsha Police Department. To the officers and staff we encountered: well done, and Thank You for your incredible service and dedication. Hats off to you. Really.

Despite the unfortunate circumstances requiring our presence there, the couple of hours spent being well cared for at the PD were more representative of this week spent with good friends than of the 2 minutes that caused much distress. (And for any worried about safety, I remind you of the first words out of Amanda’s mouth upon a discussion about safety: “Wait, you’ve never had anything like this happen? I’ve even been mugged in New Orleans - it happens everywhere!”)

So that’s our check back into reality, and looking back over the rollercoaster of the past week, I am left with few words other than “Thank you.” Thank you, Amanda and Hannah, for your visit. It is SO GOOD for me to have the reality check of friends. Friends who serve as a mirror, really, as through time with them I am able to see reflections back of myself. Reflections of ways I have grown, adapted or changed over the past 12 months. Next week will mark one year since I first arrived in South Africa, and this visit was 2 things for me: a timely reflection back on who I am and how I’ve grown, and time to be refreshed and renewed through opportunities to be surrounded by familiar, welcoming, gentle friendships that offer perspective, reassurance, love and support that can only be given by an “old” friend who knew me prior to this experience.

Real Life

I just got home from what turned out to be one of the most restorative and life-filled weeks I have had in the past two months. Where was I, you ask? With friends. In Durban, to be precise, but then that’s just a city. The location didn’t matter. The conversations with people-who-get-me, the hospitality and no-expectations, the just-be-yourself-safe-space did matter.

This combination of days turned to a week were just what I’d been looking for. and to think: the day before the journey, I was still debating if I should cancel it. I just have too much to do, important people I want to see and spend time with here in Joburg, packing and planning to do. What terrible timing for some “holiday” I planned months ago, before I had any idea how much my life would change between then and now.

How my life has changed is a blog I’ve been mulling in my head as I try to figure out a way to share about it: when that comes, or when I am more settled into those changes (whichever comes first), I’ll be sure to share all about it. In the interim, I’m resting in one of the things I have taken away from this week.

Now: This moment: That’s all that matters.

In the past few months, perhaps since moving to South Africa, I have been overwhelmed with stress or anxiety. For the first time in my life, I was made physically sick by all of the stress in my life. If you know me at all, you know the magnitude of that statement, as I have certainly been no stranger to stress. Some of this was self-inflicted, the most of it wasn’t. But I suppose the result of stressful things you can do nothing about is often more stress. So the cycle continued.

This past week, I stepped out of my growing bubble in Johannesburg and visited some American friends living in Durban. It was good to spend time with them and digest some of my life from the past few months. They understand all too well the elements at play in my life here, and it was healthy to digest and process my life with people who understand but are outside the situation. The opportunity to be honest and take down the walls of protection over involved parties was like a breath of fresh air.

Fresh air. Spring is in the air. In Durban, some days are so warm you forget winter has not yet passed in full. Fresh air on the beach, soaking in sun on my first full day in Durban could not have been a more welcome treat. We sat for hours in silence, listening to the waters crash, the birds chirp, the people laughing and talking around us. Beautiful Serenity.

Days that followed brought trips to good coffee shops (finally- good espresso!!), watching movies, non-work related chatter over countless shared meals and games of cards. We played with their 3 cats and I visited with their Monday night Bible Study group. I even read an entire book - the first time I’ve managed to finish a book since February or March.

All of this, and as I sit home reflecting on this “ordinary” week that didn’t involve typical site-seeing tourism as may be expected on a vacation (and first trip to a new city), all I can think about is how great it felt to be back to “normal.”

No negative stress. No overwhelming anxiety. No to-do lists looming or people questioning my actions. No one to check in with. Just time with friends, space for honesty, and a bit of healthy competition over a few too many rounds of “Nertz.”

At the end of the day, I can’t help but wonder:
    Maybe this simple stuff is what life is really “about.”

Trading My Sorrows

Today I was at the hospital visiting with my new friend Joanne - an incredible woman of faith - when the words to the song "Trading My Sorrows" came to mind. I haven't been able to shake these words since then, and I am realizing that this song which already has great memories tied to it, will now take on new meanings in my life.

Today, as I hum this old tune late into the evening, I realize that I am thankful for the way the most unexpected, unanticipated things can turn into such rich blessings and moments of joy - even in the midst of sorrow and pain.

Joanne has served as an incredible example of what it means to "Trade our sorrows" over the past week, and I am incredibly thankful our paths have touched - even if they could not have done so if it were not for the pain and suffering she must endure.

Trading My Sorrows

I'm trading my sorrows

I'm trading my shame

I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord.

I'm trading my sickness.

I'm trading my pain

I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord.

Singing yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord...

I am pressed but not crushed,

persecuted not abandoned.

Struck down but not destroyed.

I am blessed beyond the curse

For his promise will endure,

and His joy's gonna be my strength...

Though the sorrow may last for the night,

His Joy comes with the morning

What it means to be loved.

Excerpts from an email sent to a trusted friend today in regard to the situation I wrote about in my last post: “The Face of Injustice.”

2 days later, I'm still angry. But mostly I'm sad. and equally helpless.

The situation I wrote about is deeply personal. It is not just “a man” I wrote about, but a friend. It is difficult because I feel like the whole situation has "moved on" and nothing has been done. I spoke with my friend - the man who has still not been paid - this morning. His boss has "apologized," but still no money has been seen. He says there will be pay tomorrow, we'll see. Poor guy. He can't go anywhere, he literally has nothing and no one.

As with any human situation, there are just so many layers. They have no place to go, and so life goes on. It is such a delicate situation. I want to act on their behalf, but I can't because I know in the end it may very well NOT be better for them. The last thing they need is us making his boss even more angry, pushing him away and reducing chances that they would receive any money. And with xenophobic attacks increasing and threatening to get worse again, they would rather be "safe" here and not paid than being in danger out on the streets of the city. Or freezing in the cold with their 2-year old.

Its difficult when these situations that would make great ethics situations to argue over in a classroom become real-life, and action is so difficult.

Its also difficult when the last two mornings began for them by being yelled at by their boss/landlord. Yesterday her. Today him. Will it ever stop?

Also - I feel sorry for their boss. I have not stopped thinking about this situation, about these people. Though I could easily say a dozen terrible things about him, the reality is I can’t stop thinking about him; I feel so, so sorry for him.

The more I know about this situation and the parties involved, the more this is true. The boss doesn't know how else to treat people. He has learned from his own terrible experiences. He has shared stories of his own life: people have always taken advantage of him, stolen his money, broken his heart, etc. He is lonely. I wonder if he has anyone who really, truly loves and cares for him? The stories I have heard suggest not. They suggest a life of being taken advantage of, being used, abused, and spat upon. If this is what he knows, can we expect him to display different actions?

Don’t get me wrong- I am not excusing him for his actions. He is still responsible. But hearing his story - it helps me to be compassionate, and it breaks my heart for him.

Can you imagine living that life? How can I not feel sorry for him? How can I not see his broken side and also seek to love him as Christ calls us to love, to help to heal the broken, even when it calls us to see beyond a thick black cloud of sin and brokenness?

Music. This is what I do when I am too full of thoughts to function: I listen to music. First, I thought of him when I heard a song called “Either Way” by Guster: “Were you ever kind? Were you always cruel? Who’s ever seen that other side of you? Happened every time, so it must be true: where did you learn its either him or you?”

Seeing both sides of the cycle of brokenness and pain is important to staying grounded in why it is we are called to “love our enemies” - a difficult but foundational part of our call as Christians.

That brings me to point 2 - A prayer that is Scriptural and that we've heard a thousand times, but so honest and realistic and appropriate here - "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do..." It goes on and describes pain, ways of people hurting others. Yes, I believe deep down inside, the boss knows what he is doing is selfish and wrong. But truly don’t think he is capable of comprehending the extend to which this is true. I dont think he can, because it requires the presence of real love to understand the ways we hurt each other, the depths to which we dig into one another's souls.

So this is where I've been the last couple of days. Silenced but wanting desperately not to be. Yet trying to act in love. It is a difficult, difficult burden to bare, but an essential one, I believe. Central to all I believe, perhaps the most important thing that influences my life and makes me who I am - even if I know I fail at living it out sometimes - is the idea that Christ came in LOVE. As a Christian I am called to LOVE. To LOVE my neighbor as myself. Specifically, Christ calls us to love our enemies...? I read Scripture often that talks about love, it is central to who I believe Christians SHOULD be. Its challenging, though - like this passage (from Luke 6 - Jesus is speaking):

27“But I say to you that listen, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. ... 32“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive as much again. 35But love your enemies, do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return. ... 36Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Challenging, but I believe this is perhaps the greatest truth of Christianity. or at least it should be. How different would our world be if Christians truly strived to live this out?

The reality is, I don’t LIKE this man! I don’t know that I would have the courage to stand with him, to be the friend to him he so badly needs. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t see beyond my emotions that are tied up. I can see that deep within is a broken, hurting child of God - who is, like me, created in God’s image. I also know that as a woman of faith, I am called to LOVE - and not just those who love me. I know that I cam called to love my neighbor… and not just my neighbors who love me.

So. Where does this leave me? Thinking about how my emotions are one thing, but I believe love is something entirely apart from that. I am grateful it is. Can you imagine if love rested solely on emotions? I think people letting love rest only in our emotions is a source of so much conflict and heartache in the world.

I desire to move beyond that.

But I don’t know how.

I'm still praying for guidance. I'm still praying for wisdom to know which action to take. Praying that I remember that every great action requires great risk. I am willing to take risk, but this is more difficult when that great risk is also someone else's. I cannot make that decision of risk for them, and we cannot be sure any action I take would be for the greater good.

This does not mean that I must take no action. There must be balance somewhere. I am praying for a clear vision of what the “third way” might be. For now, I remain in hopeful prayer. I remain hopeful because of the hope I am able to share. Because I am told by my friend that the trust we share as he has come to me offers him hope. Because I am able to be a source of light in the darkness. Because I know that in Christ there is hope for all things, and for all people, and because tonight, I am choosing to look for the good in all people - even in the very ones who have persecuted us. It is not easy. No one said it would be. But Christ is my strength, my hope, my redeemer. Christ is the strong rock and foundation on which I stand.

That is what brings me hope.

Change in Perspective

It has been quite some time since I have written. A lot has happened since then. Namely, I have been blessed by three weeks of hosting guests. On the 25th of April, my older sister Alicia arrived in Johannesburg, and stayed for two weeks, through the 8th of May. On the 4th of May, my friend and fellow ’09 Ride:Well Tour teammate Cody arrived, and he also stayed for two weeks, through the 17th of May. Needless to say, the past month has flown by.

Many reflections have come from this time. It was incredible and strange and difficult all at the same time to have them here. Obviously, there is a comfort from having people from “home” in a place on the other side of the world (which I now call “home”). There were also challenges. This place is different from where we are used to being together. Context, culture, people, circumstances, etc. - all of these things have shifted. It was exciting and new for my guests; they came enthusiastic to learn about and experience this new place. What I did not anticipate was how I might experience my life differently with an added lens of friends/family by my side.

Teaching someone about my life here is very different when I am not just sharing stories, but inviting them to see for themselves. Some of the sharing was difficult. It involved cultural and historical understandings of the land in which I live. Discussions about Apartheid and race and culture. Some of the sharing was lighter and more “fun” - introducing friends, colleagues, and my “family” here, sharing food and local traditions, visiting places I love. Then there were the other things, the small things that made us laugh together - the ways my accent has changed, the language I have adapted, the music we listen to, driving on the left side of the road.

Over the past month, I have been reflecting for the first time on different types of culture shock. when I think of culture shock I have always thought that I would be the one needing to move to a new place to experience it. I have realized through this experience that home comes to me, the same types of “culture shock” can apply. Not to the same extreme, of course, but in a whole new way: how do I balance my new life and changed self, with the old, expected self friends are coming to see and visit?

These are some of the issues and questions I have been mulling over. My hope is that more will come on these topics in the next few days as I seek time to write further reflections.

A secured visitor!

Last I heard from my sister, it sounded like she wasn’t going to come. One of her best friends was going to come with her to visit next month, but he has since backed out. It sounded like she was going to do her best to come in the fall (Sept-ish) instead. In reality, this was a nightmare because of how difficult it is to schedule visitors around my hectic and changing work schedule, and a complete relief. A relief not because I didn’t want her to visit, but because this is a very busy time of year. Our training center closes in June so if she comes in April/May, I’ll already be planning my final lessons while also trying to coordinate and communicate better with the satellites. Not to mention the dates of the Zambia trip have changed several times, so no one is sure when exactly we’ll be coming or going, and I would hate to miss her!

This morning when we got home from church I checked my email - we have internet at home now! Much to my surprise, I had two emails waiting for me from my sister, Alicia. Contrary to what I thought last week (that she’s not able to come to visit next month), the message waiting said she had booked a ticket! She’s coming to visit!!!

As of today, the ticket she booked brings her to Joburg on the morning of the afternoon I should arrive back from Zambia. This means she’ll only be stranded without me a couple of hours, rather than a couple of days. Not so bad, right? I’ll just find someone to fetch her, and meet her in a few hours time.

I know my words do not express it here, partly because I am still in shock that someone is actually coming, but I am REALLY excited that my sister is coming to visit! We have oh-so-many things to plan for her visit, and only about 6 weeks to do it; and I can’t wait! We’ve made all sorts of tentative plans, and I can’t wait to see what will come. The only thing I have told her she HAS to do, is go to Cape Town. So… this means I have an “excuse” (in case I needed one) to go visit! Oh, the joy and excitement - I can’t wait!!!

Unexpected Phone Calls

The mail is a running joke in our house, as every time we go to fetch the mail, Lucille and I happily let Rachel or Hannah pick it up, as if there is something in there, it is probably not for us. In good fun, we say things like, “its good we have each other, since no one loves us enough to send mail!” We are aware of how ridiculous this is, but it is a fun way to tease Hannah who gets mail (a card or letter) from the US nearly every day. To which they usually remind me its family or friends they’ve done their time with or paid off; the only letter I’ve gotten (it came in Cape Town) was from Ireland! None of us could fake that kind of fan support, haha.

Phone calls are pretty much the same. It costs a lot to make a call here (we only pay for outgoing phone calls), and right now, none of us have the cash to buy airtime and make longer calls. So we talk each other’s ears off when Hannah and Rachel are reading their letters or talking on the phone to their family on the phone.

Tonight while sitting at dinner, my phone rang unexpectedly (it rarely does that unless its one of the 3 girls I was sitting at the table with). I ran to the other room (to get better reception) only to be presently surprised by the voice on the other end of the line: my old friend Ruth West! Ruth and I were friends my first year at Simpson. She was on a 1-year exchange from Ireland, and though we were not the best of friends during that time, we did get close enough to take a quick road trip to visit my family in South Dakota… and close enough to keep in touch since then! What a pleasant surprise, then, to hear her beautiful voice and strong Irish accent on the other line!

Ruth phoned to follow up on an email she sent but I had not received, and wanted to know: can she come visit? Of COURSE my response was pure joy and excitement, I haven’t seen her since 2003! She has family in Cape Town she is hoping to visit, so it only makes sense to stop over here and say hello! What a wonderful, pleasant surprise; I certainly hope I get to welcome her in my home soon!

I sat back at the table excited about such prospects, and only moments later Hannah’s phone also rang: her mom. The popular girl on the block couldn’t be outdone, we laughed! But then… my phone rang again, and much to everyone’s surprise, it was: my mom! I haven’t talked to her since leaving Cape Town, as I dont have internet access and she can’t figure out how to call me via skype. So though it may have cost her an arm and half of her leg, she called from her cell phone: a mama’s gotta talk to her girl, and it had been too long! So precious!

It was great to hear familiar voices, to be reminded of the world so far and wide and to be amazed at how great technology is that we could so easily be in communication with each other! In an hour I picked up a phone and three continents were connected! Great conversations were had, with exciting news or updates. News that was welcome in this hole of no- internet or other connections to the busy world that continues on around us!

Becoming a Local

My last entry was about many of the difficulties of life on the farm, and since then I have been giving extra focus to not dwelling on what is difficult here. Writing that post drew out of me the heart of many of the greatest issues I face here, and has led me to consider what I can do to draw out of the dark place of loneliness and struggle.

At the heart of this struggle, for me, is moving beyond the loneliness and into a community. I am seeking to have relationships with each individual within our community, not just relationships from within and as a part of our group. I also have much exploring left to do in the community beyond my home and my colleagues with whom I live.

Slowly but sure, this is finally taking place. Today while Hannah and Rachel were away, Lucille and I went out for a walk to explore the long road on which we live. On our way back, we stopped at the house across the road from us to introduce ourselves. It was clear that they run some sort of Tuck shop there, and so as we introduced ourselves we also inquired as to what they had in their shop.

Lucy and I stood and spoke with Marianna and Slava for about 15 minutes, at which point Marianna finally asked what she had clearly been wondering since our conversation: [to Lucy]: “Where are you from?” When Lucy responded Cape Town, she was astounded that she was South African, she had been wondering what country she was from. She then promptly pointed out that I was obviously from the area, so she didn’t bother asking where I was from…

We just looked at each other and laughed, and I simply said, “no, I’m not from around here, either.” She was surprised and asked if I had moved here from Cape Town with Lucy. Technically I had, so we said yes and just left it at that. She was surprised, as she could have sworn I was a local. Who knows why: one of those familiar faces, perhaps? I know my accent has shifted a bit since moving here, but I am far from a South African accent and still hold strongly to my American accent, for better or worse. At least that’s what we thought.

On this particular day, I was evidently the one who looked and sounded more local than the South African I was with. Certainly amusing for us, and a moment that I will not let Lucy easily forget. Evidently I’m adjusting more quickly than any of us thought! Lets hope this is a sign of things yet to come as we get to know our neighbors and greater community better in the months to come.