Detoxing

Today I officially started my detox.

It did occur to me as I rolled my nauseated and exhausted self out of bed for a 5:40am bike ride that this might not be the best day to start. But then I decided I could probably find an excuse not to start every day if I looked for one. So: there’s no time like the present.

I’m not gonna lie: I think its going to be tough. Not because its impossible, but because while I’m detoxing I’m also starting a new routine of supplements that I have to take. And on days like today, when I wasn’t feeling well anyway, it seemed impossible not to be thinking about the food I could (or could not) eat. All. Day. Long.

It also doesn’t help that the day just plain started off wrong: I eat cereal for breakfast every morning!! Its a routine I’ve had for years and LOVE. I don't even eat the sugar-packed ones: I am partial to Weetabix and Puffins Peanut Butter and Honey Nut Cheerios (ok, maybe more sugar in those). Sugar-packed or not: they have some… and they’re processed, naturally.

Detox = no processed food.

This will be good for me, I remind myself.

But my rhythm was off. The oats didn’t go down well with my upset tummy so I didn’t finish them. Which means I was hungry early.

A snack? No… I didn’t really have anything at the office I could snack on. So I settled for an early lunch. Of a (delicious, actually!) salad.

The problem? Salad doesn’t have as much sustenance as I’m used to, and I ate early… so I was hungry again by mid-afternoon. I’m sure there are options out there, but today, I’m feeling whiny and hungry and sickly (and sorry for myself, clearly).

But I’ll get there. God willing, I’ll get there. Just be patient with me, I say to myself over and over again. And now I ask it of you: this might be a long two week detox… and a difficult road thereafter. So won’t you pray with and for me? I have committed to always remember in my prayers as I cry out for my own “struggle” of so many foods I can’t eat… to also remember those who have no choices. Who are hungry and struggling to find food at all.

My prayer today, then, is that my restlessness into gratefulness. I have sought answers to being unwell for a long time now: I am working on being grateful for it. And most of all… I am seeking to be ever mindful of the many blessings and privileges these “challenges” represent. With every lettuce leaf I lift, may we I be praying (we be praying together) for those who have not even that.

...and of course I’m human, and therefore also praying for my self-pitied self, that I would grow into a place of genuine contentment, honest, and coping with all of these changes in my life.

Eating to Live

After months of seeing different doctors and having various tests done, I'm finally in a place of starting to be able to do something about it.

Being able to do something, of course, doesn't mean it will be easy or pleasant. But do something I shall anyway.

I've been on a "get healthy" - from the inside out - kick for about a year now. I decided I'd had enough of feeling "ok" being the standard, while many days brought less than that. In January my efforts led me to discover a severe dairy allergy: after having entirely removed all dairy product from my diet for 7 months now, if I have even a little it causes a severe, immediate reaction. To think I was poisoning my body all this time!

Since I still haven't been feeling up to par and all symptoms haven't all gone away, I've been running more tests and doing more research. I've been seeing a great doctor who specialized in holistic health (since regular doctors kept telling me I was fine and weren't interested in even testing for other allergies!). Today, I got results back from a hormone profile and from allergy tests.

...SURPRISE!?! We found LOTS of stuff to "fix!"

Perhaps the best thing about the "allergy" tests we did is that they weren't testing for immediate reactionary allergies. Instead, we did blood work and tested for "intolerances." Similar to the oh-so-familiar lactose intolerance many people have, we discovered my body has built up 17 intolerances. SEVENTEEN!! (Lactose is not one of them)

Some of these reactions were stronger than others: the goal is to eliminate the strong reactions from my diet for a full year, while beginning with only 6 months for the others. We can retest in a year or so if all goes as planned.

So... the moment of truth: what am I reacting to and needing to avoid? At the very, very top of my list of strong reactions:

CANE SUGAR

That's right... Freaking sugar! What ISNT sugar in? I can absolutely, easily avoid adding sugar to my diet. But eliminating it ALL - even in my favorite processed foods like sugar!?

Needless to say, I’m struggling a bit with not only the idea of such an adjustment, but with the practicality of if. I am determined to find a way, though… so I invite and welcome any extra prayers on this journey as I prepare to embark on a new journey of restructuring my entire diet… a task that I will easily admit is quite intimidating. But I know I can do it…

Of course… I’m always open to suggestions, recipe sharing, or folks who want to try it for a few weeks as a means of support! I promise to support you as you have supported me… and look forward to seeing results from this next adventure of life!

Happy Anniversary

Today marks my first anniversary of a day I never imagined I would face. A day that I am simultaneously very grateful for, and that I wish didn't have to exist.

One year ago today, I met my friend Emily. One year ago tomorrow, I met her parents and my good friends- Jen and Matt.

One year ago on the 11th, I was celebrating with the world as the 2010 FIFA World Cup came to a close. I remember that day vividly: the cheers, the celebrations, the crowd of somewhere around 40,000 people from all over the world gathered to watch the Word Cup Final - Spain vs. Netherlands - on a big screen at the Sandton Fan Park. Indeed for me, that was a great day.

The next day (Monday) was filled with sorrow as we heard news that there had been two terrorist attacks in Uganda: bombing aimed at similar groups who gathered joyously to celebrate this world event. Groups who had no idea how much their lives were about to change.

On Tuesday I woke up to news that one American had died. Not just any American (it wasn't the nationality that hit me so hard)- he was a friend of many of my friends. I didn't know him well, but I had met him once. It was suddenly much, much closer to home. and I felt connected to this tragedy in a way I didn't understand. I desperately wished I could do something, but like most tragedies around the globe: there was little I could do from far away except pray. I did a lot of that...

Around lunch time I became restless and had "had enough." I felt claustrophobic in our house (we weren't working at this point, as it was our first full week off from SHADE). So I informed my roommates that I was going out to the mall where I would browse and sit in a coffee shop and read my book and just be "out." They agreed this was a good idea, so before we knew it, we found ourselves sharing lunch in a coffee shop with our books and half-written letters lying beside us. It was a day that was filled with good conversation, with the company of friends who challenged one another but were good for each other, and above all: it was good for our souls.

Rachel had been in contact with folks from Pennsylvania, who gave us word that a couple of other Americans had been on a Mission Trip (from a Methodist Church) and were in critical condition. They were to be flown down to Joburg where they could receive better care than the bursting-at-the-seams hospitals in Kampala.

Before we knew it we found ourselves looking for complete strangers in a South African ICU. The nurses were kind and we told them why we were there: American Missionaries who were asked to visit the Americans and offer support until their family could arrive.

I'll never forget that night.
 
We met Joanne, Emily's grandmother, and her greatest concern was over her grandaughter. We assured her she was nearby and resting well... as we had just been to see her. Emily... was sleeping when we arrived. We prayed over her. Then, at the prompting of a nurse, we gently woke her to say hello, to pray with her. I can still hear that quiet, sweet, scared voice like it was yesterday. The thought of it has literally given me chills.. I wrote a little more about that day in an old post you can find here.

The days that followed were unexpected. We showed up in the morning to greet Emily's parents, sure they'd want to know who had been to visit their daughter. We immediately knew who they were when they walked out, as it was winter and Matt was in shorts and flip-flops: straight off the plane from America. We introduced ourselves and intended to leave, only leaving behind a number "in case you need anything" - but honestly not sure we could offer them much. I'm so glad we were wrong.

Emily had evidently been asking where her "3 angels who came to visit last night" were: and there was a bit of relief to realize she wasn't crazy, and I imagine they measured us up to be normal enough - at least for 3 girls who choose to live in South Africa.

So we stayed. We took some "dubers" (Matt’s favorite word for foreign currency) and got them a local phone... and then stayed for lunch. And dinner. And lunch and dinner almost every day for the next 4 weeks…

It has been a long, hard year for my friends. Bur progress has been made, all are home, and while life is still anything but normal compared to one year (and 3 days) ago,  I am grateful to be carrying on with this journey alongside them.

To my Kerstetter family: you have been an incredible blessing to my life. Thank you. I love you all.

Cell Phones...

A conversation in the office this week that I thought worth sharing:

Rob: They gave me one of those little phones. They put their names in it, so I just have to open it and go to their name and it just calls them all on its own! Its great for people like me who are getting older and have no memory.

Me: Yea, I’m the same way. If I can’t remember anything now - and I’m only 27 - then I can’t imagine what it’ll be like when I get older.

Rob: Yea, you are in trouble all right…

Oh, all-consuming, wonderful (and terrible) technology… how would we live without you!?

:)

And they'll Know we are Christians...

I struggle with angry people in the church.

There are different types of anger, of course. I affirm anger that is productive. Anger that leads to addressing systems of injustice. Anger against injustice that can be ….

People who are angry and ready and willing to fight about resolutions or policies of our Church. People who are angry when they intentionally exclude people from God’s church. People who react with anger as they seek to be “inclusive” - even when that inclusivity comes at the cost of excluding those who disagree with them…

For the first time (that I can remember), I was uncomfortable taking communion today. I was torn as I realized how uncomfortable I was. Torn because I was uncomfortable with the situation, but then also uncomfortable that I was so uncomfortable. What kind of witness was I making in my own inability (refusal?) to walk away? What would have been the better, healthier decision?

You see… today, I decided to take part in a communion service with a group of folks who were intentionally welcoming “ALL” people to the table. In theory (and usually in practice!) this is something I stand with and for. I believe our church needs to continue working in this direction of radical hospitality, welcoming “only” those whom Jesus welcomed in his ministry: everyone. That’s it. No categories. No “except,” no, “but what if…” - just everyone. Yes, those lack of exceptions even include and move beyond one’s sexuality. Really, truly, with all of my being (even when its hard) and at the core of my being, I believe: Jesus’ intentionality in uses phrases such as “the least of these” means that he loves and welcomes ALL of US. There is no “them.”

So… Have you ever had the experience of reading something and understanding it one way, then later having someone else read it to be something entirely different? Today, that is how this service felt. The liturgy was beautifully written. The songs were well chosen. And yet somehow, today, something in me (call it the Spirit!?) moved. I was uncomfortable not with the words, but with how they were spoken. I was uncomfortable with the words (that we didn’t sing due to music being played behind us), “they will know we are Christian by our love…”

I was uncomfortable as I asked myself…
    Would those around us know we’re Christian? We didn’t exactly invite everyone. That is: you were not invited if you did not agree with our “inclusive” stand.
    … and so I ask: is that love?

A huge part of my call to ministry is a commitment to dialogue. How is this conducive to that?

...To be clear: this is not to reflect poorly on the individuals holding the service. It was a nice service. But today, it stirred something within me that made me angry. And that kind of anger has no place at the table. My prayer is for my own healing. For my own journey toward perfection. For my own desire to love better. As I sit here at an Annual Conference with over 2500 other United Methodists, I can’t help but to wonder how many people among us have been excluded… and how can we journey together to be the truly welcoming and “radically hospitable” church we claim to be?

I am grateful for the journey… and that I am not the one who is expected to have all of these answers. I am grateful for the God of love and Grace who carries us, forgives us, and loves us: even when we are not living up to the call on our own lives to do the same.

Rainbows

I can't stop thinking about a little girl I met at church yesterday morning.

About 9 years old, she was well spoken, respectful, and a bundle of positive energy. She was mildly bashful when first introduced to me, but when I was trying to leave 10 minutes later, I was not allowed to walk past her without engaging in conversation.

Not just any conversation, though. She was referred to me by (Pastor!) Jeff, who I imagine was as surprised as I was when she asked him, in the midst of all the flooding and chaos going on in the McCook Lake/Dakota Dunes area:

"Why does God let bad things like the flood happen? Is God angry?"

What a profound question, my darling. If only we knew what went through God's "mind."

Perhaps the reason I find myself still thinking about this conversation a day later has to do with the intense and thought-provoking conversation that followed. I found myself challenged by the honesty and genuine questions of a (9year old?) little girl. She wondered aloud, "will we be wiped out like all the people except Noah?" as she also made astute observations like, "when I am sad it is like it should be crying outside. and when I am unhappy a storm... when I am angry a Tornado (etc)." Is that how God works, too?

I began with the most well-known story of a flood: she was well acquainted with Noah and reminded me (in her words) that there, too was a story of God seeking vengeance on God's creation for all their wrong-doings. I asked her if she knew what happened at the end of the story and was promptly told, "the ark was left on dry land, but even they were stranded on top of a mountain!"

Searching for the message of hope offered to us, I asked, "Do you remember the rainbow at the end of the story? Do you know what that means?"

"That God was angry and we should be careful."

I wasn't sure what was worse: that we teach our children the difficult pieces of stories to instill fear in them, or that it seemed there was no sign of hope in a story that really ends with an ultimate reward offered to us: a covenant with God. How great that we have a God who offers us hope and love and makes promises to us that are not dependent on anything we do?! God covenants with us purely because God cares!

We talked about the rainbow and its promise and she was entirely unfamiliar and so she continued, asking equally thought-provoking questions. Eventually, I found I could leave her with only this:

God loves us and when we are sad, God is also sad. It is not always that God wants bad things to happen, but sometimes they do. It is then that we should remember how much God loves us, how God even sent Jesus to show us that, and because of Jesus, we know that God really does understand how we feel. So when we are sad, God is sad too. When we are hurting, God is hurting. When our homes flood, God is cries with us through our struggle and is sorry that we have suffered and lost so much. God does not want bad things to happen, but God does want to help us find hope and to offer us strength as we find ways to pick up our lives and begin anew.

That, my friends, is why we have the rainbow. and today… my rainbow and reminder of hope came in the form of a little girl...

A Good Week for Change

Its been a good week for me.

Let me rephrase that: its been a much-needed great week for me!

Why, you ask? Oh, nothing out of the ordinary. Just a combination of small things. Things that are meaningful to me. Things that bring me joy.

Things like feeling more settled in this city I am foreign to. Things like connecting with new friends, and experiencing the joy of new relationships beginning. Things like hearing the stories of strangers (becoming friends) and how their "normal" lives are full of love, faith, passion and joy.

Things that, this week, have added up to help me shift from "doing ok" in this "foreign city of Washington DC" into a place of "settling in" in this place I am coming to call "home."

Why the sudden shift, you ask? I'm so glad you did.

Because on Wednesday, my bike arrived. I stayed home from work and waited for it on Tuesday and Wednesday. Then Wednesday after work the first friend I met in DC came over to help me build it: and it was a success! I have ridden every day :).

On Saturday I went looking for trails but didn't find any, so after searching and riding in circles for about an hour and a half, I decided a 10 mile ride was sufficient and went home. I was eager to ride more, though, so I signed up for "Bike DC" - the annual ride that benefits the Washington Bike Association and helps do things like put more trails and bike lanes in. I even got up early for it - I had to be there to register by 6:45am.

Sassy Sisters cycling group at Bike DC

I found a Meetup group to ride with, and discovered: it was facilitated by my upstairs neighbor! YEA! for having a neighbor who rides! I ended up riding with two other women, both of whom were semi-new to cycling so together we just took our time and rode purely for the enjoyment of riding. It was a bit strange (and awesome!) that I hadn't really been on a bike in nearly 2 years, and yet I was somehow the experienced rider that was able to answer their questions. We had a great time!!! Over main roads and even the interstate which were closed down for us, we stopped for water or photos or to say hi to friends along the way... it was a leisurely but great ride.

I intend to ride my bike to work tomorrow. I look forward to ways my bike shall continue to be an integral part of my life DC, and I am thrilled at the "new life" (positive energy!) I am getting at having it back in my life.

I always knew I missed my bike... but only this weekend did I realize how much. I am just grateful that as I discover this, I am also discovering a community that is just as excited to ride with and support me.

Its good to be back in the saddle.

Settling In

It has arrived!

I have been working from home for two days while anxiously awaited the delivery of my bike from whom I have been separated for entirely too long. Today, the UPS driver had one very happy customer awaiting this delivery! I absolutely cannot wait to put it together and get a ride in... But I am supposed to be 'working' while home, so for now it shall carry on taunt me a bit until 5:00 arrives...