Silence.

I have now been a resident of Washington, DC for two weeks.

During those two weeks, I have moved into my new home, managed to get everything unpacked (almost: I have one box of books left to shelve), explored my way around my neighborhood, learned to navigate the metro and bus systems, and started a new job where I feel like I’ve truly “hit the ground running.”

For the most part, my days off have been spent shopping by day (for everything from bedding and curtains to food and basic household items) and settling by night (unpacking, cooking, hanging curtains, etc.). While it has “only” been two weeks, I am completely exhausted by these things. I feel like I have done nothing but run around! and I have been in desperate need of a true day “off.”

Today is Good Friday, so my office, affiliated with the Methodist Church, is closed. It feels weird that Good Friday - a day in the midst of the crazy-busyness that is Holy Week - would be a day “off.” Alas, I realize today that is one of the blessings of being a “lay” person. I have spent time thinking about all that is today in “Good Friday” and will go to church tonight, but in the interim, today really is a day “off.”

I woke up around 8 and stayed in bed: simply because I could. I got up a while later feeling rested and refreshed. I spend the morning dodling around in my new home, having a late breakfast, checking email, reading a few friends’ blogs I’ve fallen behind of. Really doing one of my favorite things on a day off, easily defined as: “nothing.” Or, as I like to call it: “self care.”

As the day grew close to noon I decided to progress into some delicate, slow-paced productivity. I washed the dishes, swept the floor. When I began to do so, I plugged my iPod into the stereo with a new cord I finally managed to buy this week. As the music filled the apartment it felt good and right: I did play one of my favorite energizing playlists, of course!

But that’s when I realized I was missing something. It took me a minute to figure it out, and as I was thinking about it the phone rang. I turned the music off and answered my phone. After a short conversation, I reached to turn the music back on, but that’s when I realized it: The thing that was missing, was the silence.

I spend all week with noise. As an extrovert, I celebrate that I am able to either always be talking to people or have my music playing while I work. As I walk (or take the bus) home from, work, my life is filled with the sounds of others around me.

This morning I realized that my time alone in the apartment was special for one reason above all others: for the first time, I was granted true silence without interruption. A silence that provides not just time for reflection, but also an opportunity for clarity and refocusing.

Truly, this is what taking sabbath is all about. Even if it comes on an unexpected day like Good Friday.

I know I won’t keep the music off forever: I probably won’t even last the afternoon. But for now, I appreciate that the only sounds I can hear are the clicking of the keys on my keyboard and the dishwasher running in the kitchen.

Truly, on days like today, there could be no better sound than the sound of silence.

Holiday

Today is a public holiday here in South Africa, which to me sounds like an invitation to just “be.” I've had lots of necessary time to rest lately, and now I think my body is transitioning from needing this rest into just really liking the rest and extra sleep, even if I don't need it.

But today, I don’t mind.

So as I write this (on my iPod), I'm lying on my bed with all the windows around me open. Light music is playing in the background. Fresh, cool air is pouring in: I wonder if it's going to rain? If not today then likely tomorrow. I look up and see purple: my mosquito net is untidily swept behind me, not serving it's purpose, of course, but then again on a carefree day like today, who cares?

There is work I could or probably should be doing, but instead, I am doing this: "work" I believe to be good for my soul. It's been a hectic couple of weeks and it's nice to have peace, quiet and rest amidst a day when I'm finally feeling alright. I'm now only waiting on peace of mind that I hope will come with lab results on Monday. ... But that's not today. For today, or at least for this morning, I'm on holiday…

Celebrations

I write today from our host home, Uncle Jimmy’s house in Lubumbashi. We (Rachel Hannah and I) were supposed to leave with the rest of the South Africa group yesterday, but we realized that we had not yet seen much of the Congo outside of the conference walls and our drive between the center and Uncle Jimmy’s home, so we changed our tickets and have decided to stay an extra few days: through Wednesday. We will then fly home with Joyce, Mama Tembo and Papa David.

(Our "family portrait" from the Cultural evening with Mama Tembo, Papa David, their daughter Joyce, her friend Abigail, and of course Lucy, our friend/sister/roommate for the week, and co-worker at SHADE)

The conference officially ended Friday, and while it was sad to be over, I think our bodies are also somewhat grateful. I know I have learned a valuable lesson about which Malaria pills I should not be taking, as I have had terrible reactions to the ones I have been taking, and as such have spent most of the past ten days quite sickly. I’ll spare the details, but I will say that I am grateful to have some time of much-needed rest and to a more regular eating schedule, something that certainly cannot hurt an aching and upset stomach.

Aside from that, this week really had been phenomenal. The official ending of the conference was marked with the Cultural evening/event on Friday. We had a lovely dinner and everyone dressed up in cultural attire, including us Americans. It was a great opportunity to feast, fellowship and laugh together one last time before we had to part ways with our new friends. I know I was certainly thankful for those final non-work related conversations we had the opportunity to share with new friends! Not to mention the music, the presentations and the fashion shows that ensued. There were no dull moments to be had, that much is certain!

I am struggling to come up with words to describe the evening or the close of this week. I am still processing the many events of the week, and am nothing if not grateful for being a part of it. There were lots of struggles this week, lots of joys and sorrows shared, lots of memories created and friendships began. God was present and faithful and full of surprises, but most of all, Good. We know that All the time, God is Good, and this week was no exception. Right now, I can do little but celebrate in that fact, in how well the conference went despite all the challenges faced. In such a mode of celebration and gratitude, I want to share a few pictures from our closing ceremony - the cultural evening of celebration.

Chancey from the American team (Church of the Resurrection) shows off during the Fashion Show.

Zambia during their cultural presentation

Me, Rachel, and Hannah with our new friend from Malawi, Sam

Facing Challenges Together

Meeting with my District Committee on Ministry (seeking approval to continue moving forward toward ordination), visiting some crazy churches, throwing a baby shower, missing long-distance friends terribly, working 40+ hours per week, and working non-stop on upcoming projects and papers: these are some of the things that have made my life chaotic and stressful over the past few weeks.

It is in the midst of this kind of "busyness" that I struggle sometimes to remember that the very things that stress me out are the same things for which I should be most thankful. They are the things I can only have because of how privileged I am. That only upper-middle class educated folks seem to be privileged enough to stress over. That doesn't make me any less stressed, but it does help me to re-focus. To focus on why these very things are blessings that are helping me to grow into a stronger leader for Christ.

Even still, though, I cannot help but to sometimes wonder why we "do this to ourselves." Is education really so valuable that students should be required to live such a draining life to obtain it? It certainly doesn't make it easy for our lives to be "fruitful," or even for it to seem possible to learn 1/3 of what we are expected to... we are instead finding ourselves doing what we must "to get by," making the grade and moving on, checking things off our lists rather than engaging and digging deeper. This bothers me more than anything, because I am as guilty (if not more so) than most of my peers at doing just that... and yet I long to know the many things offered to me.

I know that a year from now, I will think all of the struggles I am battling today will have been worth it, and I will be faced with all sorts of new challenges. But one day at a time is all I can handle for now. I am anxiously working on plans for the future and I am excited to discover which path I will find myself on (as more and more seem to be opening themselves up).

Yet in the interim, I am also seeking space to focus on something new: allowing time and space for lament and sadness and struggle when things really aren't great, no matter how much we want them to be. I can no longer pretend that strangers on death row don't affect me. I can't pretend that friends I love and care about who are out of sight are also "out of mind," so I don't have to worry about them. I can't pretend like the economy or the state of the church or the election or the war don't affect my day-to-day life. Most of all, I have to stop acting as if my faith alone, independent of the faithful community that surrounds me, can hold me up in the midst of trials. Its okay not to be okay. In fact, it is critical to growth to allow for days like that. I know that a lot of what I am most struggling with now will not be resolved for several months. Yet I also know that allowing for this much-needed time, space, and prayer to guide me offers the possibility of burdens being lifted and become light as they are shared in community.

I know I am not alone in these sentiments these days... I pray that all of us facing such challenges would be able to find inner peace to make it through. (and that for those of us whose struggles are directly linked to lack of time - that we would make time for ourselves!). As always, I ask you to join me in such prayers.

A Refreshing Ride

Today has been a considerably unproductive day. I spent much of it relaxing and listening to some Matthew Perryman Jones.

BUT.

The weather is BEAUTIFUL, and I decided to go for an evening ride before the sun disappeared over what could be the last nice day we have (that I have off, anyway). So I biked to Best Buy, where I picked up a new battery for my bike computer.

The weather was perfect. The path was amazing. And YES - short ride or not, it was my first - so I wore my Ride:Well jersey in honor of the team and all we accomplished this summer.

The freedom and joy and life I feel after going on a short ride - in town and then around the lake (just under 15 miles) - is amazing. I know I made the right choice in going through with a bike purchase. Its a new lifeline to "escape" the feeling of the city, even from within it. And its more eco-friendly than when I used to do so by going for a drive.

Amazing. Wonderful. God-filled. Life is good today.

(I just wish my papers were done before I began this week of midterms and working 40 hours...)

PS - I also learned a valuable lesson about keeping ones mouth (literally) closed while on a bike ;)

A Garrett-style "Retreat"

We were required to go to a retreat today as a part of our Field Education program. I must admit, I went in with sour feelings about it because the last one was a workshop- there was nothing about it that felt like a retreat! Further, I don't feel its appropriate for them to require us to go to day-long activities on what is for many of us the only day that we can have as Sabbath. As seminarians, we are often very protective of our time, and especially on a week like this one, I was far from willing to give up my much-needed Sabbath day if I could get out of it in any way.

Of course, I couldn't. Not if I want to pass the course. So we went, grudges and all. I brought my computer hoping I could at least get some work done, which might allow me to have some rest later. But of course they expected that so welcomed us with a no-computer policy. Awesome.

The first 3/4 of the retreat was not terrible, but it was far from ideal. They gave us some worksheets and asked us to reflect and write on some personal thoughts about where the questions left us. About the fruits and growing pains and failings of our personal lives, ministries, academic settings, etc. In asking us to do so, we were encouraged to be honest, as no one was going to see what we wrote... and no one would be asked to share. Then after we wrote, we were asked to get into pairs with someone we didn't know and share. All a bit confusing and backwards...

After finishing a series of these questions, we were asked to make a visual aid of our calling (and/or ministry). We knew this was coming- we had been asked to bring magazines to cut up, etc. Typically, I'm not an artsy person, but this kept me busy as I flipped through some old magazines I hadn't had a chance to look at in a while. It was surprisingly fun. Who knew- making collages is an appropriate (required) project for graduate students? I certainly could have found better use for our 2 hours of time spent making and explaining them, but overall, it was kind of fun. It was great to see how others chose to design theirs, and to see how so very many of the collages were fitting to who I know my classmates to be.

Since it'll probably sit on my table (maybe I'll put it on my fridge...) for a few days before it gets thrown out, I thought it would be appropriate to post this for others to see. Mine is mostly words that caught my attention, with only a few pictures. Even though there was no rhyme or reason or thought process as I cut out random words, I think they all seem to go together quite nicely.Note: Comments and Inquiries welcome. Such as why specific words, pictures, etc? I'm too tired to type out a full explanation of all of it tonight, but if you have any Q's, I'm happy to later!

A Day To Care for Me- and nothing else matters

Today has been the most lovely of days I have had in a long time. These are the best kinds of days, when we are able to just "let go." Had I planned out today, it would have gone very differently, for I certainly do not have the free time to spare as such that I can take a day off.

Today, however, nothing about time or my workload seemed to matter. It didn't matter that forgot in my exhausted stumble into bed last night to turn my alarm on. So when I instead slept in, I decided it was a sign of the day, and started the day with a smile.

It didn't matter that I wanted to check my email and make breakfast before beginning my daily routine. So instead in my PJs and watched the news; I didn't even shower and dress for the day until nearly 11.

It didn't matter that my cupboards were bare, meaning on most days I would run across the street for only the basics, that way I would not waste time on this full day finding someone to run me to the grocery store. So instead, I grabbed a friend's keys... the keys that I have only because she is not in town and wanted someone to start her car every week or so to make sure the engine still runs despite the sub-zero temperatures (giving me permission to use it if needed, of course).

Today, it didn't matter that I prefer not to drive other peoples' cars, for while I don't worry about my own driving, I can never know what to expect from other people. In turn, it didn't matter that it took me nearly 30 minutes to clear off and shovel out the car before it could be driven anywhere, for time did not really seem to register in the same way it often does.

It didn't matter that it had been over a month since I had been to a grocery store, so my list was ridiculously long. That made it okay that I strolled up and down the isle checking off my list, making multiple trips to some isles as I realized I missed items for new recipes I am excited to try.

It didn't matter that since it may be another month until I make it back, and my cupboards are even running out of essentials such as condiments and spices, my grocery bill was considerably higher than it may ever have been before (except move-in day, of course). This is the price I must be willing to pay if I am going to move from cheap, student-budget unhealthy food into real-world, Jen-needs-to-care-for-her-body food that will actually be nutritious.

It didn't matter that even though I had just purchased a great deal of food, I did not have anything readily available to eat when I got home... so I still got to eat a sandwich. It didn't matter because I was thankful that I have a warm home to come to, with food to feed and nourish me.

It didn't matter that my advisor emailed me, confirming paperwork has been completed so that I have now officially dropped my theology course this semester. I have decided this choice was best for now, and it will keep me from continuous frustration of not getting what I need from the course. I see it as a sign of hope that I will be able to focus more fully on my other classes AND spend more time at church this semester, my last semester in a church field ed.

It did not matter that when I started looking over the food I purchased, I bought mixed quantities, as if when in one isle I thought I would make a double batch, while in another decided against it. I guess that means if the new recipes are any good, I will only have to buy half of the ingredients next time.

It did not matter that I should write my paper. Or go to the gym. Or do something that would make this "day off" feel like a sabbath. The reality is, sometimes things like picking up the house, grocery shopping, and baking are needed for the soul... needed because they are things I have needed to do for far too long, but it took until today to make time for them. It felt good to accomplish these things in my time.

It did not matter that I did not feel like cooking supper. Kim called and invited me to a movie, and the popcorn we shared during the flick seemed to mysteriously be sufficient.

It did not matter that I couldn't afford to go out, because sometimes the world around you cares for you, and a gift to her turned into a gift for me, and I didn't have to worry about it. (In turn, this meant it didn't matter that the film - Jumper- was not as good as anticipated).

It didn't matter that I got home at 10 and still did not want to do work. At this point, why bother? Just take the whole day! So what sounds better to do? Laundry. And guess what? It doesn't matter that I'm not going to get it all done. Doing it a load or two at a time makes it feel considerably less like a chore, and more like something I can check off my list of accomplishments for the day while not feeling like I spent the day doing "stuff."

The most writing I have done all day is for this post- and it does not matter. My sermon, my testimony for church on Sunday, my final paper from my January class to England- it will all get done.

As I wrap up and wait for my clothes to dry so that I can fold them before heading to bed, I realize there is one more thing that doesn't matter. That tomorrow will hopefully be a similar kind of day- at least the beginning of it. I am getting up early tomorrow to go shopping. To spend the day with a friend I don't see often enough. We're starting early with Ikea's finest cinnamon rolls, followed by a hunt for a new suit for me. We'll probably have too many calories, spend too much money, take too much time, and laugh a bit too much for the liking of those around us- but it doesn't matter. It is good for the soul, and both of our souls need it more than we know.

None of these things matter... or rather, maybe they do. Maybe they matter because if there is one consistency here, it is that while each of these small things may matter in some situations, places, and times, there is one thing that we must always remember: small doses. The little things in life aren't worth the (negative) energy we give them. Lets focus on putting that energy in positive ways to things that- in the long run- will matter. [Things like getting A's in classes... will not matter...]

Finding Rest

I’m sitting in Starbucks between meetings, listening to the hum diverse voices that surround me. There are college students chatting over weekend events, students trying hard not to be distracted by others around them as they attempt to read and write for projects with what are probably quickly approaching deadlines. There is a father and son enjoying a nice afternoon chat, a “boys day out” as they talk about the many activities they could do with Mom gone for a day. Then of course young couples… some are new, others seem settled and comfortable, enjoying a casual chat- something no different from many days, I'm sure. Others sit alone or even at tables together with others while paying one another no attention; some are surfing the net, some are reading, others talking on the phone to people far away from here…

Sundays are a lovely day to do just this. To enjoy time in a coffee shop, away from the hustle and bustle and rush that seems to fill the rest of our world. I sit and type and watch those around me as I’ve made myself comfortable in a big, soft chair with my computer on my lap. A good friend sits in a similar chair opposite of me, and as we sip our latte’s, we are finding time to rest. To just be. To share the moment in the most distant and peaceful of ways, while looking up from our thoughts only enough to share the next funny or ridiculous comment or thought or an occassional statement from the Chicago Tribune. I love Sundays.

I preached this morning at Holy Covenant. We’re in the middle of yet another sermon series- this on finding ways to live a full Christian life. This week’s topic was “How to Rest.” I think of sermons on resting and realize that the last thing I want to hear- let alone preach- is another sermon on the Sabbath and how none of us take it but all of us should. So today was different, and I enjoyed the opportunity to work through and share my reflections on what it means to live a restful life.

Living a restful life. Not just taking a Sabbath once each week, but truly finding ways to be restful throughout our week, in all that we do. Christ says to us, “Come to me, all who are weary and broken and carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” What can we do in our lives to seek and accept that kind of rest that only Christ can offer to us throughout the week… not just on Sundays or whichever other day we have designated as our day of Sabbath?

Finding Sabbath- truly finding rest- is a practice that almost all Christians struggle with. Yet it is so essential to our lives. It shapes us from the inside out- it shapes us in ways that are interconnected to one another as it forms us spiritually, emotionally, even physically as we learn to fully care for ourselves. In the past couple of years I have grown into the practice of taking a day of Sabbath each week. But finding rest in God- finding the kind of rest that Christ has called us to in this passage- is about more than that. Its about finding assurance and hope and a deep sense of peace that only God can provide for us in even the smallest details of our every day lives. Its about living a fully Christian life in all that we do and living in harmony with that life in such a way that we are truly fulfilled in it...

This morning, I was preaching to myself. Like many of those I was preaching to, I live a very busy, chaotic life. I always have something more to do- another meeting to go to, another paper to write, another phone call I need to return. I’m busy, the chaos I live with six days each week makes it only more important that I keep my Sabbath day each week. Yet I hope that in the weeks to come, I can learn what it means to be restful and live peacefully with all that I do. Maybe it starts with saying “no” more often. Maybe it means being more prayerful and intentional in all that I do. Or maybe I need to find my “closet” to which I can escape for even a brief moment of rest in the midst of activities I find myself in the center of. Because no matter where I am or what I am doing, when I am (we are) weary, broken, or tired, Christ is waiting for us to simply “come” that we might find rest. And I have a sneaky suspicion Christ wants us to come more than just on our one day of Sabbath each week.