Friday, February 15, 2008

A Day To Care for Me- and nothing else matters

Today has been the most lovely of days I have had in a long time. These are the best kinds of days, when we are able to just "let go." Had I planned out today, it would have gone very differently, for I certainly do not have the free time to spare as such that I can take a day off.

Today, however, nothing about time or my workload seemed to matter. It didn't matter that forgot in my exhausted stumble into bed last night to turn my alarm on. So when I instead slept in, I decided it was a sign of the day, and started the day with a smile.

It didn't matter that I wanted to check my email and make breakfast before beginning my daily routine. So instead in my PJs and watched the news; I didn't even shower and dress for the day until nearly 11.

It didn't matter that my cupboards were bare, meaning on most days I would run across the street for only the basics, that way I would not waste time on this full day finding someone to run me to the grocery store. So instead, I grabbed a friend's keys... the keys that I have only because she is not in town and wanted someone to start her car every week or so to make sure the engine still runs despite the sub-zero temperatures (giving me permission to use it if needed, of course).

Today, it didn't matter that I prefer not to drive other peoples' cars, for while I don't worry about my own driving, I can never know what to expect from other people. In turn, it didn't matter that it took me nearly 30 minutes to clear off and shovel out the car before it could be driven anywhere, for time did not really seem to register in the same way it often does.

It didn't matter that it had been over a month since I had been to a grocery store, so my list was ridiculously long. That made it okay that I strolled up and down the isle checking off my list, making multiple trips to some isles as I realized I missed items for new recipes I am excited to try.

It didn't matter that since it may be another month until I make it back, and my cupboards are even running out of essentials such as condiments and spices, my grocery bill was considerably higher than it may ever have been before (except move-in day, of course). This is the price I must be willing to pay if I am going to move from cheap, student-budget unhealthy food into real-world, Jen-needs-to-care-for-her-body food that will actually be nutritious.

It didn't matter that even though I had just purchased a great deal of food, I did not have anything readily available to eat when I got home... so I still got to eat a sandwich. It didn't matter because I was thankful that I have a warm home to come to, with food to feed and nourish me.

It didn't matter that my advisor emailed me, confirming paperwork has been completed so that I have now officially dropped my theology course this semester. I have decided this choice was best for now, and it will keep me from continuous frustration of not getting what I need from the course. I see it as a sign of hope that I will be able to focus more fully on my other classes AND spend more time at church this semester, my last semester in a church field ed.

It did not matter that when I started looking over the food I purchased, I bought mixed quantities, as if when in one isle I thought I would make a double batch, while in another decided against it. I guess that means if the new recipes are any good, I will only have to buy half of the ingredients next time.

It did not matter that I should write my paper. Or go to the gym. Or do something that would make this "day off" feel like a sabbath. The reality is, sometimes things like picking up the house, grocery shopping, and baking are needed for the soul... needed because they are things I have needed to do for far too long, but it took until today to make time for them. It felt good to accomplish these things in my time.

It did not matter that I did not feel like cooking supper. Kim called and invited me to a movie, and the popcorn we shared during the flick seemed to mysteriously be sufficient.

It did not matter that I couldn't afford to go out, because sometimes the world around you cares for you, and a gift to her turned into a gift for me, and I didn't have to worry about it. (In turn, this meant it didn't matter that the film - Jumper- was not as good as anticipated).

It didn't matter that I got home at 10 and still did not want to do work. At this point, why bother? Just take the whole day! So what sounds better to do? Laundry. And guess what? It doesn't matter that I'm not going to get it all done. Doing it a load or two at a time makes it feel considerably less like a chore, and more like something I can check off my list of accomplishments for the day while not feeling like I spent the day doing "stuff."

The most writing I have done all day is for this post- and it does not matter. My sermon, my testimony for church on Sunday, my final paper from my January class to England- it will all get done.

As I wrap up and wait for my clothes to dry so that I can fold them before heading to bed, I realize there is one more thing that doesn't matter. That tomorrow will hopefully be a similar kind of day- at least the beginning of it. I am getting up early tomorrow to go shopping. To spend the day with a friend I don't see often enough. We're starting early with Ikea's finest cinnamon rolls, followed by a hunt for a new suit for me. We'll probably have too many calories, spend too much money, take too much time, and laugh a bit too much for the liking of those around us- but it doesn't matter. It is good for the soul, and both of our souls need it more than we know.

None of these things matter... or rather, maybe they do. Maybe they matter because if there is one consistency here, it is that while each of these small things may matter in some situations, places, and times, there is one thing that we must always remember: small doses. The little things in life aren't worth the (negative) energy we give them. Lets focus on putting that energy in positive ways to things that- in the long run- will matter. [Things like getting A's in classes... will not matter...]

1 comment:

Rock in the Grass (Pete Grassow) said...

But be assured that you do matter: you matter to me. And you matter to God.
Know that you are loved.