Following an Example

I am sitting in a session of Synod at which we are discussing same-sex relationships, and I am silently crying inside right now.

It is so difficult. It was appreciated that both sides were given an opportunity to be heard.  First to be heard was the side that was the “sympathetic and embracing” position. The persons presenting were asked to be neutral and not state which side they agreed with, but to present neutrally. One person to present each side. The first person alluded to the fact that they were not pleased to present the pro-side, but was faithful to this request of neutrality. He read off of a powerpoint with a few side comments to explain. Overall, it was a factual, honest, unemotional argument.

Then comes the second argument. That which is against. It began with the speaker stating, “I do not agree! and I am prepared to tell you why.” Obviously, a different beginning, as his argument was emotionally charged and sought to engage the synod in a different manner. He deconstructed church policies, reading through a list that include statements such as, “seek to be well-informed,” and proclaiming, “I do not agree!”

What is it that we should ever NOT seek to be informed about? Seeking information, compassion or understanding does not mean one should have to change their minds, even. But how dare we condemn anyone without first having compassion for them? Did Jesus not do the same thing? Yes! In the Hebrew Bible it says that one who commits adultery should be stoned to death. Does Jesus not forgive the woman who is caught in adultery, saying, “let he who has no sin, cast the first stone”?

This is a message of compassion, forgiveness, love and kindness - how does this example of Christ escape us for “these people”?

As a church, we seek to follow Christ. Yes, it is true that Christ condemned sins. But in doing so, he never excluded or exiled sinners. He invited them to follow him. He welcomed them. He said that ALL are welcome at the table. He went out of his way to help both those understood to be sinners, and the faithful who believed. More often than not, these people were the same: Doesn’t he say that it is the sick who need a doctor? If we acknowledge we need Jesus, we acknowledge we are all sinners. Therefore we must make our way to a place where we do not condemn one another, where we do not judge who is sinning where or when, or whose sin is “greater” than another.

As a (global) church, we must not lose sight of our primary call. We are called to live faithfully into the example Christ has set before us. When it comes to the tax collector, the lepers, or the adulterers, for a few among many, how is it that we see and wish to share Jesus’ compassion and love and inclusion of these persons, and yet we consistently fail to share Jesus’ compassion and love and inclusion for others? Today, the issue at hand is homosexuality. Not long ago, it was women in the church. Not long before that, it was slavery.

How do we discern?

We do not have to have a solution. We do not have to all agree. But we do have to keep following Jesus. We do have to follow the path of Jesus which has been set before us: a path of compassion. A path of kindness, forgiveness, and love. A path of welcoming inclusion. No one said following Jesus would be easy. Inviting, welcoming and learning from those with whom we disagree will never be easy. Nor was it easy for Jews to welcome gentiles. Nor was it easy for anyone to walk away when Jesus said, “let he who has no sin, cast the first stone.” As times changed, it was not easy for Bishops to recant their public statements that slavery is discussed clearly in Scripture and should not be condemned. This journey is not an easy one. In fact, Jesus promised it wouldn’t be. My hope is neither that it would be easy, nor that a decision would be made to tear the church apart. Rather, my hope is that we might continue journeying together on issues which are most controversial, and as we do so, may we practice the mercy, love, and compassion Jesus has first shown us.

Small but Important Steps

Exciting progression in the world of the unknown future that lies ahead.

I am not sure I have mentioned it here before, but a large part of my anxiety about post-graduation plans has come from a long period of waiting. Waiting is not always an easy thing to do. After praying about it for several months, at the end of last year, I put in an application to The United Methodist Churchs' General Board of Global Ministries Mission Intern Program. (How's that for a mouthful?) You can read more about the program here, but the short of it is that it is a 3-year commitment during which I will be placed to engage in full-time ministry in a mission setting. The first half of the program will be spent abroad, the second half in a setting within the United States.

Since the application was completed, I have been anxious for a word on it. After dates being changed and pushed back, their budgets reviewed and facing losses, and my own anxiety and uncertainty moving from one end of the spectrum to the other, I have landed back in the place I was when I excitedly began the application process: it feels overwhelmingly perfect, and just the transition I am looking for beyond completion of school in May.

So. It has been a long and painful few months of waiting for any word on their review of applications. FINALLY, it is moving along. I have been invited to attend a weekend of young adult interviews in New York City. I couldn't be happier or more relieved for the word that I've made it through the first filtering of applicants, though I must also confess that even this brings more restlessness. The interview weekend will take place the third weekend in April: April 17-20. While I am excited (and a bit nervous) about this weekend of interviews, I am also a bit weary about how late it is! As the interviews will take place near the end of April, it will likely be May until I know whether or not I am accepted into the program... which means I'll be within weeks (or days) of graduation before I know whether or not I have a plan for ministry post-graduation. If it works out - PERFECT and AMAZING and I'll have a few months to prepare!!! If not... I'll be walking across the stage with no idea what lies ahead. eek!

Everything about this feels right, though, and I have always been one to trust my instinct. Even if I'm two months from the next step, I'm excited to be on to what is "next," and trying to let the excitement be the overwhelming factor rather than the anxiety or fear of the unknown!
(now... on to decide on summer plans...)

A Step Back

I was a part of something last summer that was huge. It was something so much larger than myself that on days like today, something small triggers memories and how incredible that journey was sinks in a little more. It is something beyond articulation, beyond the pictures and slideshows and videos. It's even beyond the numbers or the thousands of dollars we raised.

I've seen this video a few times before, but when another rider posted it on Facebook tonight, I felt compelled to watch it again. Only this time, it left a pit in the bottom of my stomach. It left me thinking about how HUGE this was, about how this may have been the most incredible thing I have ever been a part of.

Tonight, that feels like a bigger statement than ever before. This week, I have been reminded countless times (both by my own reflections and by others) what a blessed life I lead, and how incredible it is that I have been able to do and be a part of so many different things. I absolutely love my life, and I know I am blessed to be living this life and feel called to live this life. A life of love and ministry and travel and full of opportunities to worship a God so big and so great that God makes all of the huge, incredible things of my life, seem so small...

As I sit tonight reading a book on Eschatology for a paper I need to write, I am simultaneously working on the many questions I need to answer for commissioning as an elder in The UMC (commissioning is the next step toward ordination). I am tossing around all of these things and making lists of everything I need to do... I am constantly thinking about my future and what it holds as my graduation is now only 4 months (128 days) away.

Something occured to me tonight that I have never even considered before (nor do I want to!): with every incredible and "unbeatable" experience I have so early in life, am I setting myself up for disappointments of slowing adventures in the future? Now, there are a lot of reasons I do not like that this came up. First - how devastating! But more importantly -that's nonsense! I have been able to be a part of incredible things, yes. BUT - no two have ever been alike, and each thing has brought with it incredible people and relationships that teach me new things and encourage me with new insight and passions! That, I am absolutely certain, will never change!

Besides that, I also think it is important to consider that my life will only ever be as adventurous as I allow it to be. If I wanted to stop seeking adventure, stop seeking a deeper, unique and more meaningful way to serve God, then I could. I could back down and take an "easier" path that I have no doubt my mother would prefer. But what fun is that when I know God has blessed me with the passion, energy, excitement and determination to always take the extra step!?

So I go. Sometimes, I go too much. Like now... when I've only been back in the US for 12 days, and I have only 12 days until I must be ready for my next adventure (a mission trip to Costa Rica). Sure, there are sacrifices I make to do these things. Like the fact that I'm even still up right now: there is not actually enough time to get everything done, so extensions and last-minute work have at times become the norm. (In good procrastinator style, my goal is to keep up on my work next semester - my LAST semester! - so the last few weeks are not so crazy... wish me luck!)

I suppose all of this is simply to say, "whoa!" It is good to step outside myself once in a while and reflect on this crazy life I lead. I hope I never settle for anything less than what feeds me in this way . and I cannot wait to see what is in store for my life next.

Incredible.

Light Even in the Darkness

It is good to be surrounded by great people.

I have wonderful, supportive friends and live in a community that is more encouraging and supportive than I could ever ask them to be.

After a long day of sitting and working at the front desk (though not getting as much done as I would have liked), I had a meeting with my candidacy mentor, Mark. To be honest, I was a bit worried about this meeting b/c of the emotional energy that I knew would be needed for it, and though he has always been supportive as he knows how to be in the past, it has been quite some time since someone of such "status" (stupid politics in the church... specifially in the UMC) was uber-supportive.

That changed today, and I am grateful for having a mentor who has taken enough time to listen to me over the past couple of years to be able to express what I'm thinking and feeling and experiencing so much better than I can. It was what I didn't know I needed tonight. An affirmation that what I think I should be doing does in fact fit perfectly into the box everyone is trying to keep me out of. They just might have to look a little closer to see it. But tonight, I have hope that it is possible.

A Prayerful Journey Ahead

After flipping through Matthew's copy of The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne (founder of the SimpleWay) this summer, I finally picked up my own copy yesterday. I'm only about 140 pages in, but I can tell you there were words in the first 100 that could have been my own, and I was so taken aback by it I that had to read them several times. It's interesting to read where his thoughts from then have taken him today. I imagine he finds himself in a very different place now than he ever envisioned, and that can be a result of only one thing: God is amazing. As I have been anxiously trying to make decisions about my own life this week, this story offers me a refreshing excitement to see how my own story will unravel.

That brings me to Discernment. I have a special place in my heart for this word. Since college and the days of small groups formed from the Lilly endowment's vocational formation program at my school, this word has brought with it a plethora of emotions. Anxiety, joy… excitement, even! But also humility, confusion, sometimes sorrow or fear. A healthy sort of fear. The kind of awareness (if not an actual form of the emotion) of apprehension that keeps me aware of the fact that I am not actually in control. A recognition that reminds me of my need to keep relying on God in all that I do. I guess “fear” may not be the right word to describe this emotion, but I am at a loss for how to describe the determination and hope and focus and intensity that come with the desire to always seek refuge in uncomfortable situations... to always seek a way to work for change when I become comfortable in a place that our broken society is also comfortable with. For what good and positive changes ever come from comfort and safety? I "fear" living in that place... and I refuse to let FEAR keep me from seeking change in these ways...

Some days, I am so uncertain of what my future holds I find myself in a place of real fear, in which I cannot so much as try to process where I will be 9 months from now (upon graduation)… so I find myself in the place I should have been all along: in prayer.

From that, I have concluded that there is only one thing I can know about how I am being called to live: I know I am being called to love people, and to love people well. We talked a lot this summer about the challenge of "loving people we have never met." We spent 2 months raising money and awareness to help our brothers and sisters in Africa reach access to clean water. The more we talked about it, the more I realized that for me, that isn't always that hard. They're far away. I am "safe" from their harsh reality. I'm not doing the walking every day to get dirty water - I'm helping them stop doing so by driving a van and giving people water I bought at a store that morning. I am Safe. I realize that I don't want to be - and do not feel called to be - so "safe". What we did this summer was an amazing, miraculous feat and I have absolutely no regrets about what we did, how we did it, or why we did it. God was a part of that team and of our mission. And it wasn't safe in many, many ways. But its not the end for me, either.

I want to use this experience as one more that will help me to love people, and love them well. I want to face the challenge of loving people not just from a safe distance, but up close and personal. To love them not just on the days we can celebrate together and share in fellowship, but to love them on the days when it is most difficult to do so, whether because of hardship or exhaustion or 'simple' things like a personality conflict (as was sometimes hard with the very people on our own team... here in the 'safe' land of our own 'real' lives). I want to love people and be fully engaged in a ministry of presence, seeking to do "what is good" as I learn to "do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with our God" (Micah 6:8).

Wherever I end up and whatever I end up doing, I want to learn to listen well so that my ministry is one that engages fully not with what an institution tells me needs to be done, but with what the people with whom I live in community with most need. Maybe those things will even be the same... but I pray for the opportunity to take time to be present and build relationships before taking action.

So in the end, it comes down to what sounds like a cheesy cliché, but is really where all of my heart and soul are invested. I want to love well. Nothing more, nothing less. A big task, I am sure, and one I will have to grow in to. But I trust that whatever path I am on a year from now, it will be doing just that.
(and I hope Mom is okay with that path, too!)

Signs vs. Coincidences

I'm contemplating the relationship between "signs" and "coincidences." Is there a difference? In further exploration, a friend asked today: What role does Providence (if one believes in such a thing) play?

In the past, I have relied almost solely on intuition for decisions that have been affected by such occurrences. Today, my intuition for the "right" decision hasn't kicked in yet. Yes, I need patience. And time to listen. But it still brings questions in the interim.

Thoughts?

Discerning for Summer 2008

I am trying to discern what my summer plans will be. I feel like I have talked about this a lot lately, but in looking over recent entries, it seems I haven't mentioned it much here, if at all.

I've been in contact with some folks, tried to get in contact with others. I believe I am narrowed down to 3 possibilities, one of which is staying in Chicago for the summer (then would come a whole new set of decisions to make!).

I mentioned over a month ago that I was applying to Global Justice Volunteers. Applications were due for that a month ago, and while I am yet to hear from them (and not surprised in accordance with how it worked last year when I applied), I am anxious to speak with them about where they're sending folks- the website merely says "Africa" - and I cannot help but be intrigued by this and wonder what kind of opportunities could present themselves to me through this. Unfortunately, the person who runs the program is out of the office for another week, which means it will be at least two until I hear from her.

My third option can be viewed here. In short, I would not be doing any riding myself, but would be serving as a support driver for the bikers. 7 week road trip with the Blood:Water team across the country to raise awareness and funds! This would be great for a number of reasons, and would be a challenge for just as many. I don't know many details for this except that it would require some fundraising (though not an unreasonable amount) and that they are indeed still at least hoping I'll "apply" for the spot as a driver. I got an email from them today, and they seem really well organized, so I think I'm gong to take a leap of faith and pay the "application fee" to apply. Who knows what will happen... if nothing else, that money is for a good cause, right?

Praying as I discern what may unfold for me in the next few months. Whatever lies ahead, I am certain it will be challenging and full of opportunity, one of my greatest and most challenging opportunities yet. That says a lot, I know... but I have a funny feeling about this and am almost afraid of what is to come. So no haste decisions... but I do hope you'll pray with me. I'll do my best to keep you updated.